introspection

So there seems to be this rash of blogging lately. Soul searching blogs. I love it. I feel privileged to see into people’s hearts and understand what they are struggling with. Our generation has created a culture where this kind of self-examination is encouraged – almost expected. I’ve always done it, and I feel pretty safe letting some of it out here. Whatever is way too personal stays locked in the private journal.

I recently went to Kansas City for the weekend. It was supposed to be a quick break from the stress at work. It turned out to be one of the hardest periods of introspection I’ve ever experienced. In a conversation with my friend – whose birthday we were supposed to be celebrating – I had a break down. I had asked her how she had decided to move to Washington (state) so suddenly several years ago. She said she went up for the weekend and it felt like home. Without expecting it, I started crying – and I really try not to do that so easily. It occurred to me that at that moment, I didn’t where my home was. The apartment I’ve been living in for 15 months has elements of a home, but it has never felt like home to me. It turned out to be just a place to sleep and keep my things.

And I don’t understand this. I moved in with someone I really wanted to live with and I got to do some great things because of my friendship with her. But I had to face the reality that despite all that, I was feeling lost.

Add to that a financial crisis. I don’t know where I went wrong, but I guess it’s nothing I can actually pinpoint. I had to buy a new car in January. My Volvo, Beth, just stopped. The traffic light turned green but she just wouldn’t go. The mechanic said he couldn’t see how the car had run at all for the last couple months before that – the timing belt was literally disintegrating. Enter Jake – my 2001 Hyundai Santa Fe – for a hefty loan. Add another debt to the tab.

Bits and pieces here and there that I could have lived without, but I decided in a fit of the gimmes each time that simply had to have. A minor car accident that will cost me nearly $1000 when all’s said and done (you wouldn’t believe it, if you saw the damage). The dealer’s service team destroyed Jake’s transmission – yes, Jake’s only 5 years old and needs a new transmission. And miscellaneous therapy/guidance sessions with my spiritual teacher.

To top it off, I was unbearably lonely. I was going out, making new friends and hanging out with old friends. But I was so lonely I would randomly break down in tears or cry myself to sleep. I always had this plan for myself – those who’ve known me forever can attest to it. I have always wanted just to get married and have kids. Having a family of my own to take care of is my greatest dream and will be my greatest accomplishment. But I always thought I’d be there by now. I didn’t want to be my mom – just starting her family at 30. But guess what. I turned 27 this year and my plan still hasn’t materialized. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that my plan is apparently not THE plan. And I’m trying to learn patience. And I’m trying to figure out what I’ll do if my plan is never part of THE plan. I have so many friends that I care for and truly love, but I just can’t see that it’s the same thing. And I won’t have children without a husband. I don’t have the strength, and I want their father around for all our sakes.

I’m realizing now that I have been depressed. I couldn’t tell you for how long, but I believe I’m coming out of it now. I’ve been really introspective and I’ve managed to come to terms with some things I just can’t change. I’m trying to change the things I can and not get frustrated when I find out that I can’t something I thought I could; or that it will take longer than I expected. And I’m connecting with people. I’m reinforcing old friendships that are healthy for me, and I’m building new ones that I think are going to be blessings. And I’ve begun meditating again. I was going to temple for a while, but it’s in Malibu and the drive (and cost of gas) go to be too much. So I meditate and pray at home now, at least twice a day. That at least has helped somewhat with the loneliness. And deciding to be patient – since I really have no choice anyway – and taking joy in my friends has helped some, too.

And as the money situation got worse and worse, I realized that as scary as it is, and as much as I have to take (what to me are) drastic measures to fix it, the situation as a whole is a blessing. I have always tried so hard to take care of my friends when they needed it, and suddenly people stepped up to help me out in ways I’d never thought to ask for. And it was a lesson for me, as well. To not be so proud (in the bad sense). It was much harder than I thought it would be to ask for help, but I finally humbled myself and did it. My dad is paying for the new transmission (we fought with the dealer, but because we have no proof, we can’t get them to do it for free). And after some tough conversations, my parents have agreed to let me move home. My goal with this is to fix the finances in about two years, instead of the 5 I was calculating it would take with my other options. And in a way, it answers my question of where home is now, too. I’m okay with home being the same house and town I grew up in. It’s comforting, and right now, I need that.

So… wow. Some of this stuff I didn’t even admit to myself until right now while writing it. And seeing it right out there in print really hurts. But you know what? Facing it makes it possible to deal with it. And dealing with it helps me grow. I have never regretted that.

So that’s it for now. Or at least for today. We’ll see what else comes up. Peace and love. ~j