Confessions

I have some confessions to make.

First, I narrowly avoided having nothing to post for a couple recent days. I had to scrounge through all available camera options, even checking my iPod camera roll, to see where the missing days were.

That's pathetic.

The second confession, I think, directly results in the first. I'm getting bored of this. I don't have as much leisure as I thought I would to find new and interesting things to take photos of. I get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Weekends don't vary much from that pattern. As such, I'm not stretching myself to do this nearly as much as I expected to.

Third - this isn't actually a confession - the camera is getting tired. It's Hubs' camera, which he had several years before I met him. It's probably seen more use in the past 6 months than in all the years before I turned 32. The gears inside are getting wibbly and we can't afford to repair it. We especially can't afford a new camera yet. So I use my camera phone and even - gasp - my iPod, on a few recent occasions. Plus, I revel in the freedom of not carrying the bulky camera bag. (Ok, that last part was a confession.)

I am noticing that my photos suffer. They are not interesting - subjects are being repeated time and again. They are poor quality - how much quality can an iPod, a camera phone and wibbly-geared camera afford?

I am getting frustrated and I want to quit.

But, I also don't want to look back and think that I gave up. I want to see this moment where two paths diverged - tomorrow marks exactly half of the year left! - and see that I chose the path that challenged me. I feel like I fight this routine every day. But this is part of learning a new thing, right? You have to challenge yourself when it's hard, when it's no fun, when it's not inspiring. And, it's part of personal growth. Do I choose to live up to the commitment I made, even if it was only to myself?

I don't know if any of you out there in the interwebs care, if you're even checking this blog on a semi-regular basis anymore. Believe me, I know how sketchy I've been about posting lately; I don't blame you if you've written me off. I remember passing around those fliers, too, but now I see them as maybe too much, too early.

I wonder if I'm allowed to change the rules, as long as it means recommitting? Can I agree to take and post at least one photo every day, as long as I can use my phone? I would like to try that, so that I may compromise and, in so doing, avoid quitting. Can you work with me on that? I really want you all to be proud of me. I'm sorry if I've let you down.

Namaste