A Revelation

Last night I met Joshua Rampacek. We became fast friends, despite a rocky beginning. (Turns out he was still a smidge hungry, and made it known with some powerful little lungs.) He was all of 33 hours old when his father gave him to me to hold. He aged another hour as he slept in my arms.

He's so tiny. I mean, little Josh was nearly 11 pounds when he was born, which is no small feat and I have enormous admiration for his mother. But he's so small. And so soft. It's been many years since I've had the privilege of holding such a small person, especially one so young, and all my romantic notions and desires came back to hit me in the face.

I still can't wait to have children of my own. To feel that life growing inside me, to know that a new person will shortly enter the world and have a huge impact on me. Even if the impact on the world is not great. I can't wait to watch this child grow and change and take on a personality and struggle and triumph.

But I am not ready.

It was hard to hear that being said in the back of my mind. All I have ever wanted from this life is to be a mother... and a wife (that goes without saying in my book). But to see how exhausted both of Joshua's parents are. To feel the enormity of the responsibility in his little body lying in my arms. Sleeping and dreaming in my arms. It was overwhelming.

You'd think that actually holding this child, who has been so eagerly anticipated for at least the last 8 months, would solidify my desire to have children yesterday. And in a way it did. But it also brought into stark relief the reality that I am not ready for me to do this.

At the same time that I was struggling with this realization, I was strangely at peace. The undeniable knowledge that god exists and has a plan was made so very clear to me in just a few moments. This tiny person, so dependent, so fragile. Yet created with such care and miraculous design. How can you deny god when faced with such proof? And an answer came. I will be made ready. When the time is right, I will be ready.

For now, the feeling that I am behind schedule is gone. The understanding that there is a plan, and that it includes the satisfaction of this desire, brings such comfort to me. The patience that settled over me brings such relief. And I am grateful for the knowledge that when it happens, when I am pregnant and when I am giving birth and when I am raising my child, I will be ready.

But not before then. Not before.